i’m so emo. it’s true.

i just went through 100 million pics for our reception slide show…

ok 99 million. close enough.

i realized i didn’t take one picture this summer. maybe cause i don’t want to remember it. or relive it.

i have gone to the doctor alot this summer…and realized i have some major problems. mostly ones i can’t help or control…but nonetheless problems still.

on monday…i am going to have a spec scan done on my brian at the amen clinic in newport beach. maybe this is where we will get the answers we need to move on from the place of life…this dark…dark place. but there is hope. i know there is. but sometimes it is hard to get up…or hard to settle down. i wish i could be normal too…normal like everyone else and smile and enjoy my life. but i don’t most days…and that is sad. and i hate it.

being sad blows.

i think back on how this could have all turned out…so different…maybe worse. but god allowed keith and gina page to shed a glimpse of hope in my life…and jesus. i can not use the right words. i can not speak the right sentences. but i saw jesus in them…and that has never happened to me quite like that.

so to answer your questions…i don’t know why i cry. i don’t know why i feel anxious. i don’t know why i don’t enjoy planning my wedding.

i know that i have a hope and hopefully soon some answers. so there is good news.

i am sorry if i hurt your feelings…or seem distant. or didn’t call you back. i don’t know who i am most days. and i don’t know how i will be in a hour…or ten minutes…

but i can’t wait to take those pictures…or have conversations…or do 2 things at once again.

hopefully all of you will be waiting for me there too.

i miss all of you.


7 thoughts on “i’m so emo. it’s true.

  1. i dont htink youre emo i think sometimes life is so confusing and hard and i have never doubted myself more or questioned everything but im encouraged about the future. “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
    You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
    You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are–no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
    You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
    You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
    You’re blessed when you get your inside world–your mind and heart–put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
    You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
    You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.”

  2. See you in Heaven? is Heaven Housten.. if it is.. then I’ll have to come visit.. Wait.. You can’t visit Heaven.. man I’m stupid.. haha.. Well I’m not gonna lie.. but I will miss you and Jasen, even though you guys aren’t dying.. Just going to Heaven.. I mean Housten! Love you guys!

  3. Amanda, I can’t really say anything poetic, but I want you to know how much I love you. I know we haven’t really had many moments to get to talk, but I know enough, that you have had my love and respect from the start. I hope you enjoy planning your big day. I hope to get out there and see it in Sep.

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