i just went through 100 million pics for our reception slide show…
ok 99 million. close enough.
i realized i didn’t take one picture this summer. maybe cause i don’t want to remember it. or relive it.
i have gone to the doctor alot this summer…and realized i have some major problems. mostly ones i can’t help or control…but nonetheless problems still.
on monday…i am going to have a spec scan done on my brian at the amen clinic in newport beach. maybe this is where we will get the answers we need to move on from the place of life…this dark…dark place. but there is hope. i know there is. but sometimes it is hard to get up…or hard to settle down. i wish i could be normal too…normal like everyone else and smile and enjoy my life. but i don’t most days…and that is sad. and i hate it.
being sad blows.
i think back on how this could have all turned out…so different…maybe worse. but god allowed keith and gina page to shed a glimpse of hope in my life…and jesus. i can not use the right words. i can not speak the right sentences. but i saw jesus in them…and that has never happened to me quite like that.
so to answer your questions…i don’t know why i cry. i don’t know why i feel anxious. i don’t know why i don’t enjoy planning my wedding.
i know that i have a hope and hopefully soon some answers. so there is good news.
i am sorry if i hurt your feelings…or seem distant. or didn’t call you back. i don’t know who i am most days. and i don’t know how i will be in a hour…or ten minutes…
but i can’t wait to take those pictures…or have conversations…or do 2 things at once again.
hopefully all of you will be waiting for me there too.
i miss all of you.