Insecurities 101

the moving truck came today. that’s great. except we can’t move around any where! we can’t even walk. can someone tell me where to begin? please? or anyone looking for a break to come do it for me? he he…

texas…or should i say houston..is treating us grand. houston does not feel like texas. or what i thought texas would be like. it is cooling off now…it’s only 90 degrees today. not too bad.

i started my new job last week. i am co-teaching for a kids day out program. it’s been fine. i am quickly becoming trained in early childhood. a good form of birth control i tell you.

i haven’t been able to see a doctor since i’ve been here…and i stopped taking my supplements. actually i stopped about 3 weeks ago. i ran out of the “good stuff” and i haven’t been able to replace it yet. i bought a higher milligram on our honeymoon but it was making me really sick…so i stopped. i haven’t had any really bad days…hopefully i won’t…it will be nice to finally see a doctor and become “normal”. the worse of it yet…bad moods come on without notice and i can’t get out of them. then poor jasen and to sit and wondering what he did wrong. but it wasn’t him. it usually isn’t.

i guess i can steam these “mood adjustments” from my thoughts. just like dr henslin said. i usually start thinking of my friends..and how they have moved on without me. and i can’t get it out of my head. i know i could solve these problems by just making a few phone calls…but i can’t seem to dial. my thoughts continuously lead me to believe people are mad at me…and they don’t care. and everybody loves jasen and i’s just “her”.

“good christians” would tell me “satan has a foothold of your brain.” and if i didn’t go through my testing i would have believed it to be true. but i know better now. it’s more than that.

most days i am fine…but lately i am so insecure. insecure jasen is loved and i am forgotten. is it true? no. but these are the thought which have consumed my mind…my life most recently.

have i been terrible? i am so sorry if i have. i have a million thank yous…and ten million IOU’s. i can’t repay them. so all of you…you know who you are. and i know you care for me…that is why you did it. but why can’t i be normal and remember.

ahhh.

so there it is: insecurities 101.

i know i don’t deserve it…but will you help remind me sometimes when i forget?

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7 thoughts on “Insecurities 101

  1. I just wanted to say I love you and I miss you. Seriously…it’s fall and I just wanna be over at your house. Remember that candle you burned all the time? And the pancakes? I mean I know we’re close to the same age and all, but bein there always felt like home. I just wanna sit out on your balcony and talk about life. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for being my friend. I’m gonna stop now cause I’ve almost made myself cry.

  2. those were good nights on the balcony…so i was never those. but believe me when i say that i would have loved to be there spending time with you and nikki. there were so many times last year when jeff lived down there that i envied him so much because of the fellowship that was just within a phone call. so many times i found myself wanting to move down there to be near all you guys. the reason i looked forward to houston so much was to live in fellowship with you and jasen. i was so excited at the thought of it because it would have truly been an amazing time for jeff and i both. i love hanging with you both and spending time with you guys, even if it is just sitting in silence with you guys in the room. i valued those “double dates” we went on this summer–to the fashion district, hero’s, etc.–it was one of the funnest times i’ve had. you and jasen both have such an amazing presence that i find myself wanting to be around to rub off on me. that sounds awkward. anyway, what i’m trying to say is…i always envied the friendship that you and nikki have. you’re an amazing person and anybody who knows you knows that and i’m jealous of all the people in houston that get to share in fellowship with you guys. i miss you both.

  3. Hey Amanda, I don’t have a blog really that I check I need to figure it out sometime. But it I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. I really miss you and I’m so sad to not really know the Amanda that you are now. We have grown up so much. Like I feel like we know each other but I know there is so much more to learn about each other. You have really matured into an amazing woman. I still feel like a little “sarah b” kind of girl. But I guess I have changed being a mom now. I want you to meet her! I love ya Amanda. Miss you, SArah Your wedding pics are amazing. I have never seen a wedding like it. You looked Amazing. Love you!

  4. Houston isn’t that bad. I lived here growing up and all of my friends moved out of state like I did and now that I’m back, none of them are here and I feel like that home town I grew up with is no longer my home town and I’m starting all over again finding friends since all my childhood friends are no longer here. That really sucks. But don’t get homesick or it will make you depressed. Look at what you have now and go with it.

  5. amanda – you are awesome and I’m sorry you have to deal with that health crap.

    I remember that Bea had a tough time with being newly married and moving to a new area for her where I knew everybody because I was the pastor guy. That was only a couple hours away – not a couple time zones.

    You are loved and not alone.

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